Life, or something like it

I need a damn job. Let me rephrase that; I need a damn new job. This isn’t the first time I’ve expressed this thought, as many of my friends and family can easily attest. I’ve been whining and complaining about my current position for years, and guess what–I’m going to do it once more. But with a twist! I need a new job, that much is still true. But my reasons for wanting to jump ship have changed. There a great many things I dislike about where I’m at, but the number one irritant at this point would have to be–life. Let me explain.

A week from now, I’m heading up to Idaho to see one of my best buds get married. It’s going to be an amazing trip, as I get to be there when two people who are very important to me start their new lives together. Also, I’m going to get crazy drunk. So what does that have to do with my job? Life. They are starting theirs; nervous, yes, but confident in their ability to manage whatever comes before them. They’re ready to live, to make the bold decisions and take that giant step into true adulthood. I envy them that freedom.

See, I don’t want to be married right now. I love my girlfriend dearly, but I’m not ready. I do want the choice though, that choice to take a giant step. Buying a car, getting a place, putting a payment on something that isn’t debt related. And right now my standing in life doesn’t allow that. Sad as it is, money rules the day sometimes and right now I’m staying in neutral so that I don’t slip into reverse. For a while that was fine; life is hard, times are tough, blah blah blah. You’re happy to have a job, glad you aren’t on the street corner flashing your bits for $5 and a can of Mt Dew. Now though, NOW I’ve had enough. I went to school to make a difference, to be proud of what I had and would accomplish. To sit idly in the same desk at the same place in the same loop without any hope of something more; that’s not life, that’s prison, and not even real prison because in prison they feed you.

So what now? I’m looking, I’ve BEEN looking, and I’ll look some more. I just want out. I want the life our parents and educators promised, the life of opportunity and dreaming and all that shit. I want to matter, to feel like I’m needed and honestly, I want to walk out of work proud of all I’d done that day. I mean, I turn 27 years old in a month (whaaa?) and its like that invisible clock in the sky is ticking away and I’m too goddamn unprepared to face it. I made a plan when i was younger, and quicly learned that life plans are bullshit. Plans in life are always interrupted by, you know, life! But it’s time I got some good news, right? I feel I’ve earned it. I want to stop living and start living. With emphasis! Living. So here’s hoping that I hear back from one of my prospects this week, and here’s hoping that all of you are living in my stead. If not, figure it out! Then let me know what you did. Seriously, what’d you do, jerks.

Anyway, that’s it for this ramble. If you have $5 and a Diet Mt Dew (calories, kids) I’ll show you my bits.

-J

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